TOTALLY
Mood:  party time!
Now Playing: in the glow stick you hold in your hand
OMG

that was so frickn awesome!!! i dont care what anyone says!!! oh cmon how bad was i just a total party chick?! yep i saw you watchin me and trying to pick up my moves!! well get your own girl!! i love being such a party animal!! well its nice to know that 1. i dont like a complete idiot when i dance, and 2. that i havent lost my touch at all. well what an ego boost that night was!! and i dont mind in the slightest. podium time!!! you have no idea how good i think i am right now...oh well. looks like me and jill-bill were made for each other!!!! werent you supposed to be a party chick bell-well??? well im sorry but it looked like i sure had more fun than you did!!! rock on bitches.
that was exactly what i needed...

c RR a z y
Mood:  party time!
Now Playing: oooh i dont care.... in the rim of your toilet bowl
I am feeling so crazy today!!! sweet turn around from the grumpiness of yours truly this morning. i just want to smile and run straight into a wall or ride into a pit of thorn bushes!!! this is how ulitmately spastic i feel right now.
tomorrow will start, you will remember the conversation and the timing, what was said, what you said, the mood of the conversation and how wierd it was. then you will go home, wouldnt be surpirsed if you magically out of the blue received another one of these calls, and then will go back to work thinking i forgot or ill call later, only to go to bed that night with no idea of what's going on and no call from me at all!! so then you think sunday cos the weekend is always a good time for these things, its the impluse that happens when boredom sets in, but then monday will come and you start to lose faith, and then you really become confused. and then when that day is over and the last opportunity has passed, tuesday will come and u will know for sure that there will be no call. and then the week will pass again just as it did the one before. sounds great huh?!! i am so revvd up for this week!!! anonymously thinking of you!!

little bo beep's lost sheep
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: somewhere in the alcohol shelves
so what am i doing here again? BOO. now go on, get lost.

its odd how things have turned and suddenly im all muddles again. trust me, the last thing i want is to be mixed up in all your crap again, but it just seems...inevitable. maybe we were never meant to happen and all that, maybe it is just not something that is mapped out for either of us. i just dont knows what's going on. this is MY life and MY head and i wouldnt have the faintest clue of what it is im thinking or feeling. you're just ....... NO WORDS. that is exactly what you are. i would never in a million years say that i was obsessed. im just in awe..and then you ask me what over and i would honestly say i dont know. but its all your fault. you're the one who held out on me and so now what the hell do you want?! im not a yoyo, i do have a heart to underneath my brave exterior. im tired of these games, im tired of thinking and feeling. what is it that you want? and if you say nothing, i would have yo say that promising to never look at me again, to never talk to me again, to never think of me again, to forget everything and to forget me completely. that is what i would ask of you if you were to say you wanted nothing. i cant put up with your mixed signals anymore and im tired, im worn out and i just want to get on. why are you still hanging on if it wont be for good? just let go and move on, please. im just tired, of it all. you're so indecisive. i know i made mistakes and i paid for them, dearly, trust me. now that im here dont ruin me again. no in-betweena. you're either there or you're not. take you're eyes somewhere else, and you're thoughts and words with you. in awe? yes i am. but ive leamt alot since you crushed me last time. what's there will be there, always. but i wont be. on a more positive not that dream was the future to come, or i believe it was because of that 'feeling' i get. it was one of two most powerful dreams, ironically both with you. if you feel like you stuffed up thats great, you got 9 months to prove it to me. but as soon as i hit those doors on that last exam, as soon as im out, thats means i go on the available list. im not going to pussy foot around you anymore, let alone pay half as much attention. when i walk out that door, another hundred will open up for me to walk into. and believe me, ill go, ill go regardless of any feelings i still may have, of any memories playing at my mind, or any looks you cast my way. and i wont look back. go stare at someone else. when this year is over, your chance is minimized from one in two, to one in a hundred. i dont like those odds for you. if you ever found this, if you ever were to read it, you would think im insane and im attached, but really, im just telling you to keep your damn eyes away from me, to move on and jsut leave me the hell alone. you held out and now im moving on. just accept that you are someone i CAN get over and that my world doesnt shine out of your ass. feelings are nothing, not anymore.

im just not like you
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: in the loud speaker of your stereo
its not that i ever think i cared. well at least i dont think i do. sometimes i enjoy being anti-soical. i mean, why would you want other people entering your mind conversation and putting more useless information into your head? but i think its that now that i have myself back, there is, and always has been, that part of me that feels like it just needs to reach out sometimes for human interaction, for human contact. i think now i realise that its not actually the need or the want to talk to people, but it is an ocassional reassurance that i can be normal, that i am a normal human being just like everyone else. or at least that it was i would like to believe. after this morning, maybe i just shouldnt come after all, maybe i should just sit at home, twiddling my thumbs and only this year put up with what i have to. i know that after this is all over im not going to see anyone, let alone be invited to anything. its not that im a bad person, but its that ive got nothing to say. i keep to myself, quite alot. i think ive always been like this but the past has made me house myself in these invisible walls, keeping everyone out, as well as keeping myself in. i definitely need some thinking and breathing space. school definitely sucks and so do these new friends, they're already too formed to include our interruption, and as much as i want to like them, i cant help hating them, hating every single one of them. im standing there with them and some part of me is just clawing at my skin, almost as if that certain part just wants to jump out and tear out every single strand of hair that they have. disturbing? no. there's nothing wrong with me. i have never had many friends, ive never been miss sociable, and ive always thought differently. its not that im not normal, after all, there is no definition of normal. i just dont fit in. i think all these years i took to thinking that something was wrong with me or that i was too quiet. but i look now and even the quiet ones have a whole bunch of friends. its that i dont relate well to people. my secrets are my secrets. i made the mistake and i was right. i guess i needed to be assured that i wasnt going insane. well tessa, im here to tell you that you were right all along, these people are just a waste of time. maybe all that thinking did you some good in the end. to hell with the lot of them. who are they to intrude on my life or to even claim that they care? this is one big joke to mush all identities into one. im stronger than this and i know it. i will do something after school finishes, maybe i will even end up going to schoolies. but even if i dont, i will have a truly wonderful individual time, for even i can admit that the most fun i have is when im not around other people, when i am alone with my crazy self. they're excitement clouds they're ways and they would not have meant it how it had been taken. but nonetheless, that was how it came across, and now it is my choice how i deal with it. i can go home and sook and let these people ruin my life, or i can just accept that i dont fit in and have fun somewhere else. so much for an escape haven huh? so now i choose to ultimately exclude myself. a nice and firm permanent decision. why should i waste my time and try so hard to include myself in something that i know i dont even need, something that i know i dont even want. the last thing i ever wanted was to see any of them again, and when i wasnt with them, i was at the top of my game. i dont say that i think i hate them, i say that i know i hate them, deep down i know that i absolutely hate every single one of them for being part of this sham. i dont have a heart that is made of ice and nor am i an ice queen. i simply fail to be understood. and part of me might think that im just waffling on about garbage, but when i have a lifetime to prove it, its no longer just a theory.

bored and thinking
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: in the local drugstore
man i hate when i get extremely bored. it makes me think. and thinking too much is exactly what i am way too good at. okay so where am i five days after the beginning of school? im on my free, bored to shreds, and typing away like there's no tomorrow. no seriously? i dont hate school, but i definitely hate the friends part. having to talk to people constantly, just to make them feel like they are noticed. or just talking to people about others, or not even talking, just being here and seeing people. its wierd. two months with extreme minimal contact and suddenly im thrown back into this junk hole again - how do you expect me to react? when holidays came, it was so liberating and i felt like i finally had a life, a life my own, that did not belong to anyone else or was anyone else's business. just solely mine. and do you know how good that felt, how free it felt to not have to put up with or be influenced or a part of the lives of all these other people. always stuck under their eye, open for people to mock you and say what they like and judge you. not that it matters, but just the whole environment is so twisted, so inferior and devoid of real life. i miss having that freedom, so i cant wait till the end of this year, and then hopefully i can go to uni and have all the freedom i have always wanted. to be free from these chains is my one dream at the moment.

now, to other stories. well it was just kind of really random that i decided to tell her. it was like a gut feeling really and i just followed it. wierd, though, that she should know him so well. and then the other one, well wasnt she a tad too nosy??? i dont know where or how this is going. i just know that yesterday wasnt any fun. but i think you might need some time to adapt. to what you ask? well maybe to me because im someone new, maybe still the workplace and the people there in general. on top of that i would assume but dont know, but it does seem like you are sensitive. not like woossey sensitive, just like more conscious perhaps than others. you just need some time and i dont have the time to be confused. i cant afford it this year, because of school and because desperately, for once, i would like to stay sane and really get used to that kind of life. i think ill just leave it for the next two/three weeks. we'll see how it goes, who i talk to and what happens. its not that i came up too strong and need to back off, its that im not going to engage in something that isnt enjoyable for me or that im not excited about. maybe my upfront and bubbly persona is too much right now. but i got the feeling that you needed to breathe coz you seemed edgy. so maybe the next couple of weeks will give you time to breathe or calm down or whatever it is that you need, and then we'll see how we go. at first you seemed snobbish, then you were orite, and then you went all quiet-ish again. maybe it was just yesterday, i dont know, but space and time can never hurt. besides. itll give my brain and stomach a bit of relaxation. we'll just see. im not ready to jump into anything, and neither do i want to.

hahrrm - do you need a strepsil?
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: ... somewhere in the clouds ...
wow. what the hell is wrong with me today?! and that goes for last night too... it's just like something in me is jumping for extreme joy when i dont even know what it's about!!! maybe it's fortelling of a future event or maybe ive just gone really spaz -->> yeh that seems more likely!!!

the beginning of the end!! THE BEGINNING OF THE END BEGINS TOMORROW!!! AND I AM sooo SCARED!! i am so going to DIE! and im already STRESSED! i think i need to BREATHE. after twelve years of draining schooling this is it, THIS IS IT!! and then bang, wokacham, kaboom, its all over, IT IS ALL OVER!!!!! i think i am going insane.

well since this is the one post before TOMORROW i just want to know where i am at right now. its cool to look back at the end of the year. well, you know where you are at stupid. you are now more you than you have ever been, you're in your 'box' with only two eyes to look from ... blah blah blah... just look back on your last posts!!! fair enough then.

why the hell cant i help smiling!!! is this excitement about TOMORROW or about something else...??? today i woke up and i just had this extreme sense of urgency, like i needed to know, like im just overfilled and overwhelmed with all that crazy stuff. i cant even think because my mind is RACIINNNG and i cant keep up with it!!! did someone slip me something in my sleep?? omg!! to day is the first of february!!! but surely that is not it... gees this has got to be the wierdest thing! im sooooooooo not here today!! man i aint on cloud 9, im on cloud you cant reach -->> im so lame.

well here is to today, TOMORROW, anything i might someday find out, and to anything that is going to happen, or not to happen. to a fantastic year! CHEERS

that weekend
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: in your garden
that had to be the best possible weekend. but there is one thing i dont understand and that's you. i stayed after you for so long, apologized so many times and tried to convince you to give me a chance, but time and time again you threw it back in my face. now, when ive moved on and left you behind, you come up with all these hellos and you keep looking, and im like, hey you're the one who wouldnt let this go anywhere, so now that i have moved on why the hell are you still looking and stuff and giving me hassles. gees man, cant you just leave me alone for once. i used to be like you with jello, i refused to believe that someone could get over ME and that he had moved on, and then later i realised what an absolute dickhead i was for letting something like that slip. i took it for granted and in turn i was a selfish bitch. it is so obvious to you now that not only do i not want anything to do with you, but that i clearly dont like you anymore. you mean nothing to me but now you pay attention. im not yours anymore, not one part of me is. but it was real good while you walked away and knew that we were laughing behind your back. i sooo crushed you! and it felt good. because for every time you broke my heart i will laugh at you and hate you and ignore you. i could tell that at first you just thought that it was something i was going to get over. but now you see that you are just like you were in the beginning. you are nothing, someone who is not even worth acknowledging. i know that you always try to maintain a cool, but your actions and your eyes sometimes hint to a different state of mind. im not going to leap out and say that you are still hanging on, but you still pay attention and i have no idea what that means. you couldnt say that you have completely let go, because it is obvious you havent. and now that i am me again, the lovable, happy idiot, you cant have me, you cant reach me. it wasnt just a one off and you knew it, there wasnt an ounce of doubt. im not stupid. you ruined me and you didnt want me and now that i have worked so hard to repair myself you pay attention. well you know what, im more than happy to tell you where to go because i dont need to like, let alone know, someone who is going to treat me like shit and like im worthless.

but now to sunday. you know i had been thinking about you and thinking whether or not i really liked you. like ive said before, ive really been concentrating on not getting my feelings involved, on for once thinking things through before pouncing. you are the complete opposite of what i thought you were and that is what intrigues me the most. it gives a hint of mystery and something that is not so easy to figure out. when i saw you and you looked so confident i was real surprised and i thought "what the hell? just an ass like the rest of them!" but then for the first time i thought about all the possibilities. 1. you're allowed to be confident anyway and how is confidence not a good quality (though it could lead to you being cocky). 2. perhaps i am not so easy to approach. maybe you are as nervous as i am. you know that im okay to talk to but it can be awkward if you're not sure. i mean if someone spoke to me i wouldnt be sure how to take them the next time i saw them. do i say hello? do i wait for them to say hello? if they dont should i just avoid them altogether?. but you're orite dude, you're not bad, at all. and i like you because you are something fresh and different. and because of that gayass 'moment'. i mean when you did say hello youy seemed really unsure, or it couldve just been that you didnt want to say hello. but i can tell it was a tad wierd, considering i had been off work. anyway who cares. i like you and thats that. im not going to go getting all obsessed and puppy eyed, but i will make an effort to talk to you more and see what kind of hint i can get. i am sure but i am not also. i need more time to be sure. and also with school i cant afford major distractions. i come up to you and it might appear that im all confident, really sure of myself like this is something i do all the time, but inside im wriggling with excited nerves and i never have any idea of what to say. and me? talking to people all the time? that is something i most certainly dont do. i might talk alot and it might seem like im real comfortable and real used to talking to people, but inside im just a nervous wreck jumping with joyful fear and trying to muster up as much confidence as i can. i hope my confidence isnt indimidating though, because i want to be able to talk to you without the 'wierd' factor. it was a good weekend and you topped it for me. you didnt do anything but reaasure me that you're orite, that you're a good one i suppose. but if i think too much ill begin to doubt. i have no reason to think otherwise. its all going good. its all just nerves, we can never be sure.

and someone apporoaching ME to talk? well that is something that hasnt happened in a while! so supposedly i look like claire danes? there is something i have never heard before! it just proved to me that i am finally me again, anti-social and wierd and all.

all messed
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: in theatres around australia
so we get off the phone and while you sit there and go on with your crummy work im the one who cops it all and sits at home beating my fists on the floor. every time you upset my balance you bring tears to my eyes and anger to my heart. the more you push the more i will pull away. dont you see. you are the problem, you always were the problem, you caused all of it, just like he said. you are good in so many ways but absolutely deadly in others. dont you see what you're doing. you can sit and accuse and throw all sorts of comments, but their effect, their damage is unknown to you. i have worked for SO LONG to appreciate who i am, to become who i am today, i have spent forever making myself into someone that i could look at in the mirror and love. dont you see how hard this has been for me? but you continually make comments like "well getting a haircut isnt going to change the way you feel about yourself". for fuck sake. i told you i didnt like my HAIR, not my whole personality. i just said i was bored with it, not that getting a haircut was going to give me some life-tranformation. it is just a normal thing to get a haircut. why cant you just treat me like im normal, like anything other than a mixed up child. its just a haircut, everyone gets one. its nothing. "you should be thinking about other things than your hair." fuck man, i just noticed it is all, i never said it was my whole world. just listen to me, LISTEN, just for once, that's all you have to do. but you dont, you just respond randomly with the way you would like to see things, which is you at the top watching out for everyone, the one protector whom everyone can come to. you suck me dry sometimes and i hate it. you are so restraining, like chains, so limited. i give you the benefit of the doubt time and time again, and then every so often you beat up on me again. you would not affect me like this is you didnt mean something to me, but then knowing someone who can crush you so isnt worth knowing at all.

that i do want i do not also
Now Playing: in my hayfever nose
its not at all what it seems. it was far from stalking and we both know that. it was for reassurance and confusion; just to look. that's all. i don't need complications in my life. destiny knows ive had enough of those, quite my fair share. for now i just want to watch, just want to look, to be sure. there are no feelings involved but simple visuals. i have always been one to hang onto and pursue, but im after a simple life now. i dont quite know who i am, but i know who i am not and who it is i do not want to be or become. if this is something i am going to commit myself to pursuing or permit my brain to thik of then i need to be sure that this is not just another of destiny' s passing shadows. true, yes, that this is something that i have always thought og, but when it occurred, the extent to which it overwhelmed me was something that i could never have anticipated. to this day i remain speechless and with a heart that has ulitmately secluded itself so as not to begin again. there is first time for everything and if a year from now i stand in this position and have learnt nothing, nor pursued, nor gained, then i am hopeful that i will not come to classify this as another shadow, for in that instance my heart was all too sure that it was not. since then i have become someone and have not become myself. this is my phoenix from the ashes. my heart has for many days hung onto the same story, enough to radiate reassurance, the kind that my heart has been searching for through many months. this time i am only too sure, not like the others. never before in the span of two years have i freely forced myself into isolation like this. a box with two simple eyes to look from, to watch from but not to feel; the distance that i have for only too long yearned for and wished that i could master and be given, that i could bring myself to contemplate. in that one moment i shifted as i never have before, the precise reason why my heart turned to recluse, to give time to the mind and to sight, as much as is needed. my hands do fear that too much time may be on the negative, but progression cannot and is intended not to be forced. though also fearing darkness, time can reassure and words and actions can also. but one must restrain and not give too much, for then one cannot be sure whether it is the one to be pursued or the one conducting the chase. at the same time that i do want i do not also.